My appointment on Tuesday was disappointing, to say the least. Not much has changed. Still pretty much the same. She said I'm super-soft and that I'm doing just fine and am right where I should be. She encouraged me by saying she is very pleased and that I'm doing everything right. Whatever that means. But when she said I haven't progressed any, I'll admit I got extremely sad and frustrated. I was in a bad mood the rest of the night and cried. I don't know why. Stupid pregnancy hormones. I know there's nothing I can do if he's not ready, but I just felt like it was my fault for some reason. Dumb, I know. But I woke up the next morning feeling SO much better. I went out to lunch with a few friends, went shopping, and got a haircut. I treated myself to some new nail polish. I figure I'll wear it at some point this summer. It's very daring for me. Usually, I don't go for the "wild" colors, but I couldn't help it. It intrigued me and I caved in. It's very exciting. The color is called "Tiffany Imposter."
So aside from not making much progress (which I keep telling myself I'm already so far along...there's not too much more my body can do to get ready), the doctor told me what's up for next week. I go back Monday morning at 11:00 for a growth ultrasound (they'll do some measurements to get a weight prediction...I'm pretty nervous) and a non-stress test. The test is just where I get hooked up to some monitors for like half an hour or something where they keep track of his heartbeat, his movements, see how he reacts during contractions, and measure my contractions. Then I'll go to meet with the midwife where she'll check me again and we will talk about scheduling an induction.
The good news is that the baby will be here within the next week no matter what. So at least the end is in sight! I was hoping to go on my own, but I honestly don't care. People get induced ALL the time and it's fine. My sister was induced 6 days after her due date and had a great labor and delivery. I know countless other people who get through with no problems or anything. So I'm going in with the attitude that it'll all be over soon and this is just the route we have to go. And I don't know any different, so who cares. The majority of first-time moms go overdue, so it's not like this is anything new or a risky procedure or anything. And by no means am I picking on anyone or trying to be mean, but it really irks me when people act like induction is the end of the world. They make you feel like, "Omg, you have to get that baby out before you have to be induced! I hope you don't have to go through that! Do everything you can to try to get that baby out naturally. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that." Or they just look at you, like they want to say something but they don't want to discourage you. At least they have the decency to keep their mouth shut. Guess what people, I can see it in your face. I'm not dumb. And when you've had the issues I've had for the last 9 months, don't take away the joy that I have of finally getting this baby out. Some bodies just don't adhere to that "perfect" labor and delivery story. At this point, I don't care if I have to be knocked out and have a c-section. Now of course, that's NOT my first choice and I hope that doesn't have to happen. But if it's what's best for me and baby, then by all means just get him out and do what you have to do. I don't care anymore. Seriously. (Can we tell I'm a bit fired up and on edge?) Once again, I'm not calling out any one person. I've just had SO many comments and what not and I'm tired of it. This whole thing is scary enough as it is. There's no reason to make someone scared or upset when it's a scary situation already. Ok, I think I'm done. :P Thank you for letting me vent. I promise I still love everyone. ;)
So yeah, that's about it at this point! I ate spicy food yesterday, did a lot of walking (good lord, I was SO swollen...my feet HURT, like tingly, stabbing hurt), and even invested in some Evening Primrose Oil supplements. I figured what the heck. I felt GREAT yesterday (like no pain or symptoms or anything), but today I woke up and felt like crap a few steps out of bed. I'm constantly crampy (before today, the cramps come and go throughout the day, but today I've had them every second) and my lower back is kind of achy. My stomach is also kinda messed up and I can barely eat without feeling like throwing up. I took a 1.5 hour nap. Other than that, I've just been sitting around, curled up with a pillow trying to take my mind off the pain. It's not unbearable, but if you're a girl, you know this feeling I'm talking about. That one or two days a month where you feel miserable and crampy and bloated and sick to your stomach and tired and achy. Yep. It's like that.
It's a good, yet scary, feeling knowing that next week is it. No more "just me". No more sleeping whenever/however long I want. No more just hopping in the car and driving to Hobby Lobby when I get bored. No more making my own plans and just rolling with the punches. I pray every single night that when I see his face and hold him that my world really will change and that I will be excited to be a mommy. Right now I'm not. The only reason I want him here is a very selfish reason - to feel better. I swear I'm the world's most horrible mom already. But I'm sure everything will be fine and I'll forget about me once I see him. :)
Until next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment